The Harry Potter You Never SawedLiterally
by Sheen Rox
Summary: Don't ask, Commodore Norrington, Captain Gillette, Cart Wheeling Hagrid and whole lot of other random crap! R


Hey'all!!!!! Ok, this is the side of Harry Potters life you never sawed. Literally. After many attempts, we finally spell the word... literally. YAY!!!! Written by Princess Plankton and Sheen is a monkey NO NO NO NO!!!! WRONG! it's Sheen Rox you slack jawed idiot! Oh sorry, my bad. *grins* ANYWHO!!! On with the story. By the way I bet many of you didn't know, Harry Potter and the philosophers stone, is actually Harry Potter and the stoned philosopher. *laughs* Shut up! and get on with it!  
  
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"Dlgtrkwultreayqweutwrytlortiygoie... This is Ultralord!" Dumbledore rambled on and Harry's eyes glazed over in a random sort of way. They wandered over to Cho who grinned and waved cheesily in his direction.  
  
'What a sad act.' He thought.  
  
"That's not very nice Harry."  
  
"EEK! Hermione stop reading my mind."  
  
"Oh. Ok." Hermione gave him a slight smile before returning her attention to Dumbledore who had begun singing about chickens.  
  
"ULTRALORD IS NOT AFRAID OF CHICKENS HE IS NOT AFRAID!"  
  
"What a lame start of year feast," Ron commented.  
  
"Tell me about it..." Harry replied.  
  
"Ebbehairhebbehre... tuck in." Dumbledore finished and everyone began to eat.  
  
"OOH! Edibles!" Ron shrieked, just as Snape walked up behind them.  
  
"BLAH BLAH BLAH and a yackedy smackedy..." He sang.  
  
"OH NO! She's trying to entice me with her beautiful singing!" Ron shrieked some more.  
  
"Ron stop shrieking!" Hermione hissed. "People are staring...."  
  
"So?" Ron waved at all his adoring fans. "Yay!" He leapt up and began playing air guitar. "WHOO!"  
  
Hermione killed him. Harry sighed and turned to see Cho smiling at him, flicking her hair behind her. He quickly returned to his pie.  
  
Snape picked up a fork and took a large bite. "MMMMMMmmmmm Pie!" He said.  
  
"Are you still here?" Harry questioned, poking Snape's nose menacingly and venomously.  
  
"Oui. Ouchies!" Snape cried.  
  
Just then the large front doors banged open and in came Hagrid. Quickly but slowly he cart wheeled over to Harry.  
  
"You're a gay Harry!" he said.  
  
"What's a gay???" asked Harry making large sweeping movements with his hands. Hagrid ate the rest of Harry's pie. Harry cried.  
  
**********  
  
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were in the forbidden forest doing forbidden deeds. *waggles fingers*  
  
Hermione giggled. All according to plan. Ron kissed her gently before laughing manically "Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" Hermione looked up at her boyfriend.  
  
"Ron, what's wrong with you tonight? You usually just get stoned then go to bed."  
  
"Hermione, I should have told you before. I plan to take over the world using mainly monkeys and the occasional spoon."  
  
"Oh Ron that's so barbaric." Hermione gasped, removing his hands from her hips. She considered. "Quite frankly it turns me on." Suddenly there was a large POOF of purple smoke, and appeared Captain Gillette and Commodore Norrington from Pirates of the Caribbean.  
  
"Heeeeey, you're not the evil monkeys I hired to take over the world!" Ron frowned.  
  
"Yeah, well, we thought the deep recesses of space could use a feminine touch!" said Norrington.  
  
"wwwwhhhhhaaaaatttttttever." Ron said, "Just go overthrow Dumblehead, I mean -dore."  
  
"Ha!" Gillette cried. "This ship cannot be crewed by two ibibidibdibidibidibidibidibihdib!!! You'd never make out the baybbbbbbblllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Gillette had a nervous breakdown  
  
"But Commodore, what about Sparra?" Hermione asked.  
  
"OH I think we can afford to give him one zzzzzzzttttthhhhhhbbbbbbbthbhthbhthbhtrhbhtbhbhbhtgbht!" said Norrington, also having a nervous breakdown. Then they skipped off merrily towards the school. Ron gathered Hermione up in his arms once more, when Firenze bounded in brandishing a ruler.  
  
"Never any peace...." Hermione sighed exasperatedly.  
  
Firenze pointed the ruler at the teenagers, and yelled wildly, "NNNOOOO, STAY BACK!"  
  
Ron did the splitz. Hermione got stoned.  
  
**********  
  
Harry awoke early next morning. "Wha?" He asked the monkey tap-dancing on top of his head wearing a bowler hat and clasping a walking stick who later turned out to be Gillette.  
  
"Yoho, yoho, a monkeys life for me." It sang. Harry then realised he was in the hospital wing. Morning sunlight was streaming through the window as Harry reached for his glasses, only to find (or as the Russians would say, fing) the monkey had stolen them.  
  
It continued to sing. "Emnnmenmenmmna... and really bad eggs." Then it ran away.  
  
"No!" Harry cried. "My glasses!" And then in a chamber of secrets style where he actually says Hagrid but hey,  
  
"GGGGGGLLLLAAAAAASSSSSEEEESSSSS!!!!!! Pretentious bastard." Madame Pomf  
  
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strode in looking annoyed. "Mr. Pot head, what is going on in here?" 'Damn it' Harry thought. Ever since that pot incidence, he, Harry Potter, had been accused of stoning and drug dealing. He had given up trying to explain it was Ron. "Madame Pomf  
  
r  
  
e  
  
y,  
  
why am I in here? What happened last night?"  
  
"I'm afraid Mr. Hagrid knocked you out whilst practicing his gymnastics. He told me to give you this." Madame Pomf  
  
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handed Harry a piece of paper and left. Harry unfolded the paper and read,  
  
"You're a woman Harry." He smirked. "Oh Hagrid, behave!" Suddenly Ron entered, he was slurring his words and his eyes were bloodshot.  
  
"Must you always be so stoned?"  
  
"Yup." They both departed quickly.  
  
**********  
  
Hermione's head was aching as she stood up at the edge of the forbidden forest. She looked around for Ron.  
  
"Oh what a loving boyfriend. Lets me pass out then leaves me here to die. Pretentious Bastard."  
  
It was a lovely day. The sky was blue and birds sung as Professor McGonagall zoomed over head with a jet pack. Hermione smiled. It didn't matter. Ron and Harry were probably just getting scored over breakfast. Ew. She sauntered happily down to Hagrid's for breakfast, and looked forward to what hopefully should be, a normal school year.  
  
Hagrid winked, "You're a lizard Harry!"  
  
THE END.  
  
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WHOOHOO! Well, that's ya wee wenches. For now. Now go review! Or we'll, we'll, we'll... well I guess we'll cry. So for now it's sayonara! Oh and by the way, to all those people who review my Harry/Cho fics, do not be alarmed. This is just a random one off, humour, crap, type thing! Like 'Murders lollipops and rather eccentric nuns' Yupyupyup, she's a mad one at heart! Like me! And I'm begging all of Sheen rox nice, pretty reviewers to please check out my fics also! Thanx, byyyyee! 


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